Editing and Re-editing
If you can call it that.
Looking over "Green Dress" I suddenly realized that in later pages I called "Ben" "Danny". I like "Danny" better. So, I went back and changed every "Ben" to "Danny". Sorry for the confusion.
Also, I realized I used a lot of titles and names that I really don't want to have to remember to change to something that I really don't like to begin with. So. . . I went back and used underlining for names and titles. Shouldn't be too hard to remember to use "____" for things I'd have real problems actually using. (Fingers crossed.)
Adding, at least, two pages of "Green Dress" to the site tonight, before I try to get some sleep. Wish me luck.
A Little More Than Half-Way Through
Why? Because I actually had to read through the pages as I typed them up. I spent a lot of the last day and a half in a deep hole that I dug for myself.
I'm alright, though. Planning on getting the rest of "Green Dress" up -- here or at Tumblr -- over the weekend. That should be a hoot, since it's basically the same thing, just in a different way.
Please leave me feedback on the new stuff. A piece tentatively entitled Previous Story is something I'd like to revise. Let me know if you think it's worth it or not. (Currently in scattered pieces in Notebook Notes. Hope to get it put in order and in one place by the middle of next week. Maybe sooner.)
Previous Story had a lot of "land mines" in it. By that I mean it was written with actual names of actual people. I've (hopefully) edited them all out, but I'm terrified I'll miss one and get a bizarre e-mail telling me just where I can go and how fast.
(Previous Story isn't a "true" story, in any sense of the word, but I was writing it when I was in a certain emotional state and . . . )
Anyway, I'm here. I'm working. I'm writing. I'm thinking. No time to do anything else. (Isn't that enough?)
Losing Things
And finding them again.
No, I did not finish loading the Notebook Notes the other day.
Why?
Because I lost the notebook.
In my defense, my work area is more rightly called a disaster area. Boxes and bins and toys and bits and pieces.
This morning I was going through one of the boxes and found it, where it had slipped down and been covered up by a ton of other stuff including another stack of notebooks and a small box.
Anyway, I will endeavor to upload the rest of the Notebook today at some point and maybe another couple of pages of "Green Dress".
Seeing, however, that I am currently in the midst of a massive allergy -- I wouldn't call it an attack, better to call it an offensive -- I might not get finished with anything today. Trying, but who knows.
I Think I May Never Sleep
I talked to my mother. I got all cathartic and screaming about -- a certain person -- and now I'm hoarse and I feel sick, again. I'm sitting here trying to breathe, struggling to see the screen through a haze of sleep deprivation and vapor rub fumes. I am going to try to finish up the first of Notebook Notes by morning -- sometime before I pass out.
Tomorrow is Mother's Day, so that means I have to talk to my mother Again Tomorrow! For all of you out there with Super Terrific Perfect Mom's who love you more than they could ever love anything or anybody I think it's wonderful that you have an extra day that you can thank her for all the wonderful things she's done. But there are those who could do without an extra day to have to talk to our Barely Kept Us Alive Because If She Didn't She Would Have Gone To Jail For Negligence or Whatever Mothers and have to act like we think they are the best thing since chocolate because they birthed us into our individual Hells.
Thanks, again, whoever invented this holiday. I can't wait until Father's Day.
(I think I may be way too sick/tired to do this. I didn't sound too abrasive, did I?)
Yes. It Is The Middle Of The Day.
No. I haven't been to sleep, yet.
Yes. I've been working.
Notebook Notes is up and I'm at least part of the way through. (Even a link. Hah! See!)
Anyway. I'll try to finish up at least "Dream Story" by tonight. (I'm bored. So?)
I'll post, again, when I'm finished with the whole thing, which shouldn't take too long. Maybe by tonight. Tomorrow for sure.
This is just the first of . . .well, a lot. Maybe have everything up by the end of May. (Don't hold me to that. I'll try but . . . well, you know me. Sort of. Right? Never mind.)
Taking a Minecraft/twitter/facebook/google+ break and maybe a walk in the grass/feel the sun on my face break. Back soon.
Finally Getting Started
Too sick, yesterday. Tried to spend some time outside -- in the back yard, in the sunlight -- to see if it would make me feel any better. (I felt better for long enough to come back into the house and go back to sleep for several hours.)
Spent the wee hours (just after 2) of the morning looking through old notebooks, trying to decide what to add to the site and how. Couldn't make myself decide. Now it's 4 in the morning and I've decided. Putting up a new section, called Notebook Notes and transcribing or describing each page. No deciding what to leave out or what to edit. No leaving anything out (except a name that will be edited to a blank and part of a story that I once wanted and don't think I do anymore) and no editing (much).
So, the first Notebook Notes will be from a notebook that I was working on -- brace yourselves -- in 2002. Some pages are even dated. This thing was buried in a box in the garage in Ohio or I would have destroyed it back in October. (But that's neither here nor there.) There will be more -- maybe some from even earlier. (I found a few pages from a notebook I kept back in the late 80s early 90s. They date from long before the current stage of my life. -- But I digress.)
Anyway. . . look for the new link to the right. (I'll add one to this post later -- if I remember.)
Sitting Here. . .
Staring at a stack of notes from the last 15 years of my life.
I've been trying to get them in some sort of order.
Decided to add some -- rather randomly -- to the site. Just to say I've done something.
If you see something you like leave a comment or drop me a line -- remembering how often I read my e-mail -- and I will see about adding to it.
Got a bunch of e-mails about Teddy and Doc. Listen, folks. I really would love to work on that story -- as well as the Damn Novel -- but I lost all heart for it a couple of weeks ago. (Didn't think things that I knew were coming would hurt so badly. You never really know until it hits you. Do you?) Might come back to it after some time. I hope I will, but it will take time.
Anyway, that being said, I am just gonna add a few new pages. Links will be forthcoming -- possibly in a new post.
Might as well get on with it.
I Have Returned . . . Sort Of
I'm here, in sunny Southern California. I'm terribly ill. I've had my body, mind and spirit trashed and smashed in the last two weeks or so. I have the worst spring/summer cold imaginable. (Probably very nearly half illness and half allergies with a little bit of helpless depression thrown in for good measure.) Probably not going to be feeling better any time soon.
The good news is that I've gone through about 15 years of notes and half finished stories since we got here. (Not much else to do, until I get to feeling better.) So, there will be new pages full of entertaining, interesting, blah-blah-blah starting . . . maybe tonight.
The Damn Novel is not finished and might not ever be finished, now. I'm finding my motivation has become disconnected (by recent events) and that I would really like to strangle the muse that brought me the thing in the first place.
Gonna let it lie for awhile and hope time changes my feelings about the thing.
Planning on at least two new sections by tomorrow afternoon. I'll let you know when I get them up, you let me know what you think.
(If you want a hint at my inner turmoil check out my -- several -- tumblr sites. Links at the top of the sidebar will send you to see my innards -- if you can read between the lines. Don't judge me. You've been through it, too and you know it.)
Thinking Too Much
Got another "One Page" done, really too late last night. Haven't worked on today's yet. Might get it done by midnight. Hopefully. Some days you just have to do other things. Today was one of those days. Mostly thinking. Mostly over-thinking. Trying not to think.
I know that I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't think about some of the things that I think about on a daily basis. So, I've come to the place, in my life, where I can accept these thoughts and I've even learned to use them to help me in my writing and other creative endeavors. Also, learning, day by day, to use them to help me make it through the days when I don't think I can. Rarely feeling like I'm living inside a deep dark hole, anymore.
Anyway, just felt like a bit of an update over here. I've been here everyday for the last few, for at least a few minutes and it feels like it's done me a little good. A little here. A little there. It's all helping to make things better.
Before I Get Any More E-mails. . .
Yes. I know. But, in my defense:
1) It is a VERY rough, first draft. Actually pieces and bits of a VERY, VERY rough first draft. (And I believe I explained this somewhere on this site before.)
2)No. It is not based, in any way shape or form, on any true occurrence. I base my characterizations on a mixture of many different persons -- based on pure inspirational value. I do no research. It isn't that kind of book.
3)I'm not sure. I probably will, maybe not today. (Let's call this one a Random non-reply.)
That having been said, I did, indeed, get a bit more of the draft up on the site in the wee hours. -- Starting just after midnight.-- So, if you're coming to check, click on Novel Bits <--- here or likewise in the area to the right of this post -- under I Do Write. There you will find at least a couple of new links to pages newly added.
Thank you, so very much, for your kind consideration, and good day.
Editing Stuff (That I’ve Already Been Editing Elsewhere)
If that makes any sense.
I did though. Went through and replaced the names in the Novel Bits section. Mainly because I changed them all in the next parts that I'm putting up on the site. "Terry Jay" is now Robin Leigh, "Jay" is Leigh (for reasons). Every freaking thing else is the same -- except for a bit of better navigation.
I added what I think will be the last part of the first draft of the Les p.o.v. section. Might add the first pieces of the edited David p.o.v. section later tonight, or maybe tomorrow. Don't know. I'm a little tired.
Just letting you know.
Getting Through It — Mostly
Got "One Page" (and a little more) done, again today. Writing this POV is kind of difficult. I'm working from sheer inspiration. I have a little background for it, not really research, but just things I know. Things I shouldn't and sometimes wish I didn't.
Started crying, right at the end, almost dissolved in hysterics. (Just pulled it together. Because I had to come here.) Makes me think this thing may be too hard for me. Too much emotion. Too much of my heart invested in it.
Then I get to thinking it might be good for me. The only way I'm ever going to have this kind of experience is to write it. It's fiction. Full on speculative fantasy fiction. Fan fiction in a way. Not really, not in anyway that I could make anybody ever understand, but a little bit.
Starting to think I might need to move this post to tumblr. Need to keep this space more straightforward and professional. But, Hell, it's an update and I'm not a 'pro' yet. When I start trying to sell the first solid book that somebody can hold in their hands then I'll worry about all that. Right now, this is helping me get it done.
Mind you I've got an entirely different post to go up on the new tumblr tonight, so, yeah.
Anyway things are going great. Got more packing done today. L.A. move looms shortly ahead. Things will be what they will be and I'll deal with them as they come.
Happy Erm Green Stuff Day
Yeah. Well, I've read way too much about this day to really say anything nice about it. Plus, people will get drunk and do tons of stupid things. Wait? What? It's Saturday? Oh, well, never mind then. Same people would go out, get drunk and do stupid things today, anyway.
Sooooo. Got my "One Page" thing done early today. Might put some of the rough/first draft up in the wee hours of tomorrow. Might not.
Planning things for the beginning of the week. Still packing for the trip to California. Yes. It is taking a long time. It always takes me a long time to do anything.
It's nearly 9:00 and I've got the A/C on and the window open. (Sheesh. Things better left to the twitter stream.)
Listening to HatFilms guys live. They are funny. I'm always amazed at how young they are and how much older they sound. Early 20s and sound like they could be into their 40s. (Could be the accents.) Someone needs to put them to work on (satellite) radio. Give them their own channel. Make someone a ton of money and keep them in steady employment. You know, keep them off the streets.
Crud! More twitter style blogging. Well, I'm going to go do something else, now. Probably actual tweeting. Throw out a few Random non-replies, some such. Finish listening to HatFilms on twitch.tv . Also watching (although, I have to admit, mostly just listening).
Ready To Write
Yep. I'm sitting down to write. This is day two of the "One Page" thing. Really do plan on putting up some more from the first/rough draft of the Damn Novel. Might be up today. Might find something else to do, I'm never sure. I like to be free to make decisions. So I will.
Hey! Notice this is the second day in a row that there is a NEW post here. Cool, huh? Yep. I'm getting the hang of it. Probably post EVERY day until I hit the road for L. A.. Or not. I'm mysterious that way. Keep checking back, you never know. Hahaha!
12 Days
It has been a very long twelve days. I've been doing things. Other things. Any other things, trying to ignore the Damn Novel, and this site. I've read and commented and just lurked around twitter and Google plus. A couple of days ago I read something that inspired me, but I had to work some other things out in my mind first.
Imagination is a pretty incredible thing. Someone once said that it's more important (or AS important or something) than knowledge. I think it was Einstein. I actually spent the last 12 days struggling with my imagination, letting it have it's head and learning to let it do what it wants to.
This morning I got up and had the first "One Page" Day. I wrote/rewrote one full page, consisting of , I think, two full scenes, from one of my regular Main's point of view. (I say wrote/rewrote, because I basically undid the original -- first draft -- idea and found a . . . different Voice. One that I like much better. I may put a piece of the old draft up on the site this afternoon, just to keep up with the theme of putting all my early draft stuff up on the site. Eh, something to do.
Anyway, I've got a couple of other things up. New stuff over at the tumblr pages. You know where to find the links. (Even so, I slyly nod and jerk my head to the right of the screen. See! Over there! At the top! See it? Okay. Click it when you want. I mean, I won't force ya.)
Hmmmm?
I've been a little out of sorts this last week. Went through something that really had my spirit all mangled. I spent most of the week thinking, reading, playing mindless games. The one thing I didn't really do was write. A sentence here, a paragraph, there, a tweet over yonder. When my spirit is in distress it's impossible for me to be creative.
I'm sort of coming out of it now, a little. I need to write and I will. I have the big move coming up. I think. Things are a little up in the air at the moment. But I'd like to get at least 3/4 of the way through the current draft of the Damn Novel before I actually hit the road. Don't want to be tied to a keyboard in the middle of Spring, in L.A..
So, I'm going to come here, probably starting tomorrow and dump a lot of the first draft onto the site. It helps me do the work. I'll get that done and I'll fiddle with the rest of it. Maybe.
Some new Minecraft stuff that might be up a little later tonight, or early tomorrow. Not much. New screenshots and a few tips.
Oh, by the way, set your clocks forward an hour. (It is forward, isn't it? Hold on, I'll Google. -- Yep. It's forward. At 2 in the morning actually, but I'd do it tonight, if you have an early bedtime.) I don't much worry about it, the only clock I see much of sets itself automatically. (Thanks, Microsoft.)
I'll be over at twitter, tonight. Probably tumblr, too. I'll try to do the Minecraft thing by tomorrow. I'll try to dump the Novel stuff and a few new things before Monday morning.
I won't stay away so long, next time. Two weeks is yechh.
Have a nice Saturday night.
It Is STILL Monday. How Can That Be?
I'm writing. I just keep going. Started something for the new section (the one that still isn't up, yet, because I can't make up my mind) and it turned out to be something all on it's own. It's the new link under Once Upon A Time. You can also just click here, if you'd rather.
You may have noticed that I'm in kind of a MOOD today. I am. It's just one of those things that comes upon me once in a while. (Now there's a title for you "Once In A While". Somebody should write a song with that title.) I have a lot to do these days and seems like less and less time to do it in. Which is, of course, true of all of us. Less and less time. None of us will ever get a minute more. It's at times like this when I'm realizing that time is passing so very quickly that this particular MOOD strikes me.
I will be alright. I have words. They help me to get through the days. I hold onto them as everything else goes speeding by and I can just about make it. I write the fear out, and the frustration and the misery and the whatever else, before they can choke the life out of me. The words give me HOPE, which is the only thing (still available to me) that I can't do without.
It’s Monday, Now.
It's gotten to the point that all I want to do is write. I'm reading, too. Mostly science and speculative short fiction. Mostly on the internet. Decent stuff is abundant these days. I read and then I want to write. I do write. It's only coming in pieces, now though. The Novel is . . . bothering me. I'm trying to change it. Trying to make it something that it isn't, that it wasn't. It wants to be something more than what it is. I'm afraid to let it.
It's creation has become a fiction in itself. Something unreal. The pages exist, but only in a very vague, diaphanous way. They are digital. Mostly posted to myself in e-mails to keep the computer from destroying them all when it ultimately disintegrates. (And it will. Someday.)
I used to write on paper with pencil. I never liked pen. I could sharpen a pencil point to a fine edge and write as small as I could and fill front and back of a piece of paper with more than a thousand words. I hated making a mistake in pen and I'd always wanted to start all over again with a new page. (High school was Hell for me, in that way, too.)
I don't write on paper, anymore. I doubt I've written more than a grocery list in long-hand in more than two years. I have lots of old notes, in old notebooks. Some more than ten years old, none much older than that. I was never meant to have a past. Not sure I'm meant to have much of a future.
Anyway, I'm starting a new page on the site. Right now, it's just an unpublished draft sitting in a folder waiting for me to figure out what I want to do with it, exactly. I've titled its page "Even A Sentence . . ." and so far it's a single column of single, unrelated sentences. The initial thought was to say "Even a sentence means I'm writing." Which is sort of true. My idea, now, is to create short fiction pieces; each one different, each starting with one of the sentences. I'll create a separate page (or set of pages) for each piece and then link them to their corresponding sentences on "Even A Sentence . . ." (If that last sentence doesn't seem to make much sense -- as it doesn't to me -- you'll have to pardon me. I'm not sleeping, again and it's beginning to get to me.)
Anyway, this is me, writing.
It’s Saturday Nigh — Never Mind. It’s Actually Sunday Morning.
It's early Sunday in the East and early Saturday (night) in the West. I had intended to do a lot of work on the Novel today. The second draft is humming along at this point. Then I laid down to take a nap and slept way too long. Then Netflix was in so I watched Scream 4.
So, I only managed to get a couple of new pages done on the new draft and upload a tiny section of the first draft to Novel Bits. That may seem like a lot for me, but I INTENDED to get a lot more done today. It's possible I have a touch of the flu/virus/whatever the Hell is going around, which is a really great excuse. I could have the flu everyday for the rest of my life.
I'm going to spend the next couple of hours between the draft and twitter. I'll sleep later.
I Am Here. . .Again (Okay. That one isn’t much better.)
I'm trying to write. ('There is no try only . . .' Shut the freak up, Yoda!) I've been wandering around the place, trying to find the desire. I am writing. Just not enough. I can't get through a scene. Maybe the idea is dead. Maybe the Novel is dead. Maybe it's not the kind of thing I'm supposed to write at all.
(Just did a lot of editing. Some things I just can't write about before 5 A.M.. Put what was left of the edit in a new tumblr thing . Just follow the linking link.)
Anyway. It's after five now and I came here with some idea. For the life of me I can't remember what it was, so I'll just inform you that I'll be adding some more pages during the day today. More edits from the Novel. More Minecraft stuff. More bla-bla-bla. Basically more of the same.
I’m Back! (I need to stop having this as a title.)
Yeah. So, I had this plan. I was gonna do something and then do something else, and then this completely different, other thing. Turns out, not so much. But, I do have a couple of new things up here. The Minecraft stuff is new. I also have a new fiction section (or possibly two, by now -- depending on when you are reading this).
My personal and (semi) professional lives are sort of in a whirl right now, so I've decided to just throw some stuff together here and see what comes of it. Things are changing around me, by the second, so there will probably be a lot of changes here.
I'm changing the Novel, again, many, many times, as I work on the current draft. I'm throwing bits and pieces of it onto the site. You can peruse them, occasionally, under the heading, there to the right, of I Do Write. (Does that sentence seem to have one too many homonyms? It has one? Yes, then, it does have far too many. Oh, well.)
It’s Late! Surprise, Surprise.
I'm back. I've been working for the majority of the day on a new area for the site. I'm a little irritated with WordPress at this point, but hopefully everything will work out once I publish this post. (I doubt it. But hope springs eternal.)
I've still got a ton of work to do tonight and more to do tomorrow as I re-imagine, revamp and reorganize the site. I have plans and they are coming together. Keep your fingers crossed and wish the best for me. I may not make it out by morning. If not, I'll grab the lifeline known as twitter and struggle valiantly on.
Boy, this post is short. But I don't want to say too much, in case I can't get the current project completed. If I do make headway I will be back a little later with an update. Until then, adieu. (Wait. French is dead, so, I'll just say G'night.)
That Was Some Game
Meant to come over here last night, after the game and leave a celebratory post. I didn't do that, for many reasons.
1) I'm lazy.
2)That game took way too long. Went right to 'the buzzer' so to speak. Would have liked it to be 39 -17 with 6 minutes left. (Too much time left you say. No. Why not? Because Brady, as much as they want him to be, is not Joe Namath and his line is not The Snake Pit. -- Look it up, kids.) Then I would have come here joyfully and written pages. As it was, the last ten minutes of that game EXHAUSTED me. I screamed. I laughed. I cried. I almost had a freaking stroke. (You shouldn't do that to a person, guys. Next time, more scoring. -- Wait, it's the Giants. The ones from New York? Oh, okay. Never mind. I'll take what I can get.)
3) I had other things to do. (Non-specific bothersome things to do, that required my presence elsewhere.)
4) I figured today would be here waiting for me, all bright and shiny and with no thought for anything grandiose happening later in the day. I could come and relax and write slowly and comfortably, to my heart's content. Which is what I am doing. (At 6:00 in the morning. -- If you believe that, I have a nice little piece of land down around (/in) the Everglades I'd like to sell to you.)
Anyway. . .
Yeah! The Giants won!( They almost lost.) It's a great vindication of many things, not the least of which being Manning's career. (They won't let it be. They'll still talk sh-- stuff about him and call him a fluke and disregard that he LEAD the Giants -- ya know, as their LEADER -- to where they were this year. Where were they? Oh, right. THE SUPER BOWL.)
Okay. No ranting. This is a happy day. We won. We barely beat Them -- which means They shouldn't feel too bad. I mean, they nearly beat the BEST team in the country. (Okay. That sounded like snark. It was, but it was unintentional.)
I'll go now, because I have to. I do have other things to do. I'll be back later with some interesting things. I have it planned. I'll explain in detail when I get back in a couple of hours. (Maybe.) No. Seriously. I will.
And Now For Something . . . SUPER BOWL SUNDAY!!!
This is the first year, in a pretty long while, that I am interested in the Super Bowl. Actually I'm interested in the outcome. If anybody reading this brand new post follows me on twitter, you will be reading a lot about the Super Bowl today. Mostly about how much I need/want/must have the New York Giants beat/destroy/decimate the New England Patriots. Today it is personal. It's private. It's a thing.
I look forward to the e-mail/comments/replies/threats from the Patriot fans. I honestly have nothing against you guys at all. I mean, you brought down the Broncos and you brought them down HARD. Almost as if the hand of . . . Never mind. That, in itself, puts you in my book of heroes. (Not an actual book.) I just really need you guys to get beat today. I wish it wasn't necessary/important to my continued good/decent mood, but it is.
I will accept a marginal victory. I would take a last second field goal, to win by one/two points. I would prefer a sheer and utter fourth quarter blowout, ending in an unprecedented three/four touchdown scoring rout. Let's have a great game for three quarters; one which leaves the Patriots defense as weak as little newborn kittens for at least the last 20 minutes of game play.
I am a very private person, basically. My reasons for wanting this thing to happen must remain my own. (It may leak out through my ears during the evening, especially if the score is really, really close towards the end of the third quarter. But probably not.)
So, basically, GO GIANTS! GO BIG BLUE! GO (until you can GO no longer)!
Being Lost
It's been a long week. I've spent most of it lost in thought. Started writing notes for another Novel. (It's actually the same one, just taking out half the characters and rearranging some circumstances. I have one idea. One idea for the last ten years, wait, almost eleven, now.)
It's nine o'clock on a Saturday night and The Kid has just admitted to me her desire to drive me insane. Good luck. It'll be a very short drive. (She's watching Minecraft videos on Youtube and singing nonsense at the top of her lungs. I should be headed to a rubber room by morning at this rate.)
I've done a lot of writing today. Mostly random things that mean something to me, but that I've cleverly camouflaged by leaving out specific details. Some things I feel I've been too specific about. After all there's not enough space left in the world to hide everything. Plus, I'm sort of tired of hiding things.
Sometimes I feel like if I let everything out, made every thought public, things would wind up being better. It is at those times that I catch myself and remind myself that there are other people involved and I'm not sure to what degree they would be adversely affected.
There is a time coming when, if I survive it, things will be easier to say. A time when people will be able to understand and, if necessary, forgive. The surviving will be the thing. Everyone will know whether I do or not. Everyone will know what and how and when and where. I won't be able to hold back. And if I don't survive, I think I'll find a way to let people know why not, though it might be kind of obvious by then.
Until then, though, I'm fine. Don't worry about me. I get through the days. I'll be better when I get to California, later this year. I'll make it that far. I've promised myself. Then there might be new plans to make and I might find better ways to survive when the time comes.
(I've been hitting "publish" a good bit lately. It feels good. Probably keep it up. For a while.)
Holes And How To Dig Them
Been sitting here this morning digging holes for myself. Good deep ones. Listening to songs that make me sad and mad and make me write things that might not be possible to take back. (Cobble is a hard path to walk on.)
Time isn't always something we can have full control over. Time does what it will. While Fate is a flirt that wanders around and gets bored and chooses to do something else, while you're in the middle of growing up. Time can really screw you over.
So, I sit here digging holes. Depression, 'neurosis', and pain will fill them in, over my head. Bury me alive.
Then again, maybe after so many long, long years you do learn to get past regret. (How do you regret something that was never in your power to do anything about, anyway? Something obliterated in your childhood, by other people and incredible circumstance.)
Maybe, at the end of more time than I can imagine getting through, you find that all these holes were just you searching for treasure and that the search was all that mattered.
New Things In New Places
Back. I am writing. Mostly something different. The Novel is stalled, again. I'm not quitting it outright, again. Not yet. (It may die. Probably of old age. But not yet.)
Changed a link. Turns out I never tested the tumblr link that I put up weeks ago. It's fixed now. Click on it. At the top, to the right, there. A couple of new things over there.
Something called Things That Should Not Exist is up over there and might be here sooner or later, haven't decided yet. Just me rambling about things that are in my head (that REALLY shouldn't be). Pieces of The Novel might show up there. (It's basically me trying to find a way to write that Thing --The Novel -- and failing horribly.) Right now, you have to go to tumblr to find the link. The link to the right will send you over to oddstilllife.tumblr.com and I just put up a link to Things . . . there.
Why am I making it difficult? It needs to be for a little while. I might make it easier later. I'm trying to make a path, here. Right now, it's a very narrow one. Really for one person.
(I keep saying I'm letting go and letting . . . well, you know. Problem is, I'm worried that I'm supposed to be doing something. So, I'm doing a little something. It's little enough. Maybe because I'm just impatient.)
It Is A Nickname!
When I was a kid I didn't have a nickname, so I told everybody to call me by just my initials for awhile. My initials, by the way, were, back then T. D. J. . So some people called me T.J. and some people called me T.D. then one day a younger acquaintance of mine started calling me Teddy (because that's what T.D. sounded like to him). Anyway, I have not been called that by anybody in a really long time. How long, exactly, we will never go into.
When I started this blog I decided to sign in as teddyt. It was not really close to my real name and I was super suspicious of everything back then. The thing is, I've been on twitter for awhile now as tracytayl. I had thought of using teddyt on there too, but thought I might want to feel freer over there, so I stuck close to my REAL current name.
Now, a few weeks (or months) ago, just after I started Scenes . . ., my fiction section that is now (at least temporarily) on hiatus, I got a few e-mails asking if this was an autobiographical story, and a few assuming they knew who I was and a very specific situation that I was talking about. Let me go on record as stating fully: Scenes From Her Life is not now, nor has it ever been based on fact. It is in fact based on something that a CHARACTER (fictional) of mine might have done in a previous incarnation, instead of the things she does in the Novel that I am currently failing at completing. Sort of a parallel universe sort of thing.
I did make the mistake of naming the main character in Scenes. . . Teddy. But it's just a nickname with her, also. I figured I was safe. Her previous names were Robin, Jay (someone who actually knows me warned me against that one right off the bat and I'm so glad they did) and Leigh. Maybe I should have stuck with one of those, but they're names from the actual Novel -- subtitled "The Unfinishable Project" -- and I did not want them to be closely associated with web-only content.
Now, you ALL know. It's just a nickname. None of my fiction has anything to do with reality. Goodbye.
Thinking About: Disappointment
Sometimes people disappoint you. You can know them for years, or for days. You can believe you know them and how they think and what they would do under certain circumstances. Sometimes you can be completely mistaken about someone and sometimes they can be affected and changed by people or situations that are new to their lives.
Over the New Year's holiday I was completely floored by something that someone I admire and respect did. It was so outside of their character that I was thrown into a bit of a spiral, that I'm just coming out of now. I have absolutely no way of knowing what caused this behavior -- I can speculate, but I would never do that publicly. I could speak to people who are involved, but I'm not sure how that would look.
I know that this behavior caused people pain. Much of this person's recent behavior has caused some emotional distress for people who have been close to them and are no longer.
This post is not about people, though. It is about a feeling. Something I think many of us feel at one time or another. The disappointment that we feel when these things happen is the real problem. It can keep us from being there for the person who disappoints us. It can keep us from noticing the things behind the behavior. Maybe the person has truly changed. Maybe there is an outside person/circumstance causing the behavior and it is only temporary.
If you let it, disappointment can become a wall between you and someone that you care for deeply. If you become disappointed in someone you should take a long moment (or a week or so) and think about why you really feel disappointed. If it is for some real reason: they did something deliberately to hurt someone or themselves, you should confront them immediately and find out what is going on and why. On the other hand, if you find that you are reacting to a superficial situation, one in which no one is really being hurt (at least not deliberately) try to distance yourself from the incident. Try to look at it from the point of view of someone who has no emotional stake in the situation. You may find that you no longer feel disappointed, at all. If you still feel disappointed, then you can maybe have a good long talk with the people involved and let them try to help you understand.
Right now, I'm just beginning to feel less disappointed. I'm still a little concerned for those involved, but I'm stepping back and looking at it from an emotional distance. Maybe it isn't as bad as I think, as bad as it looks, as bad as it feels.
I Just Got Bored
Sometimes I do that. I'll work on something for a pretty long while and then I'll get bored with it. Not even really bored with IT, per say. I will get bored with the feelings it engenders in me.
Scenes From Her Life has been "boring" me lately. I try to come here and write and not give a good hot damn and it has just become impossible. I have several different directions I want to lead these characters in, some involving amazing amounts of conflict. There are some problems in my doing this. (I have been less than forth-coming about the --er, um -- inspiration for these characters) and I have to do a little research in order not to make all of it seem a little too non-fictional. (Ya know, put the right people in the wrong places and vice versa.)
Also, Teddy just celebrated a birthday (in the story). I don't think I mentioned which one it was and I do not think anyone could imagine which one from the way the story will eventually work itself out (if I let it work out at all). She is older than she might seem at first glance. Her situation with her mother was nearly absurd in its depth of dysfunction. This is understandable from my point of view, but I'm not sure that an average reader will "get it".
I had intended for Scenes . . . to be something fun for me to work on when I'm not beating my head against the brick wall that is The Novel. For now, it's just become another wall, and I already have a constant headache.
It may continue. It may not. I may change it. I may not.
This was just a short note to let you know.
(Another post that I started more than a couple of days ago. I originally wrote the first part of this back on the 7th of January. I decided against posting it after I got into one of my who-gives-a-hot-damn moods. Now, I'm coming out of the mood and feeling the need to be Honest with myself and anyone else who stumbles down this particular dark corridor.)
I’m Listening To Things I Shouldn’t
Got up this morning ready to be done with something I've been holding on to a long time. I mean, really ready. I had a plan in my eyes for exactly how. I'm really good at compartmentalizing, so that's what I was planning to do. Put the last ten (or more) years away in a (psycho-metaphorical) box and bury it away, so deep I'd never even give it a second thought. I gave myself a good long look in the mirror and walked out to greet the day.
As the minutes fell into hours I let myself relax into old routines and I really wasn't thinking about anything in particular. Suddenly there this thing was. This thing that I was trying to bury. In something that wasn't even a part of the thing. There it was hidden away in a phrase, in a word, in a breath. I knew it when I heard it. Instantly I was filled with something that I hadn't thought to be filled with in a long while. There was a sweetness and a warmth in the thought. There was a distance, also. It wasn't the same. It's like looking at an old photo and feeling the way you did when the photo was taken.
(It has taken me a while to write this post.)
Hours have passed since I began writing this post. I have been taking the time to figure out the reasons why I wanted to be rid of something that has been a significant part of my life for a good deal of my life. It may be that I assume that I'm supposed to let go of it. Of course, we all know what happens when one assumes anything. (Thank you, Silence Of The Lambs. --Look it up.) I feel like I'm ready to change things, CHANGE them, not discard them. Maybe things are meant to go to a different level. If I'm to actually be more Honest this year, I think I have to Honestly say that what I want to do is take these things to the next level.
(I wrote this back on the 4th of January. I am posting it on the 11th of January. It has taken me a really long time to write this post and figure out that I don't mind if people read it. Also, I wish I could let everyone know what this thing is that I'm holding onto, that basically tortures me 24/7. I can't ever do that completely, but I am writing and I find that in every story I tell there is at least a little bit of my own truth. So, if and when people read my stories they will find a piece of my daily reality. Which piece, I may never be able to say, but it's enough (for me) that it's in there somewhere.)
